From 2007-2009 Jared and I visited with doctors due to headaches he was experiencing along with changes in his daily activities. It was a very trying time because something was clearly wrong but pinpointing the cause was near impossible. Our relationship was in a very rough place because of the changes that were going on and lack of answers. So when Jared had a stroke in October of 2009 it was honestly exactly what we needed because it led to answers and treatment and then the unknown became known and manageable.

About three months ago I noticed that his coordination and balance were off and he was beginning to fall more frequently and wasn’t able to walk a straight line. Considering he is on blood thinners and falls can have major consequences it is important that he not fall. Last week after seeing a neurologist is was determined that he has vascular parkinsonism. The effect of his stroke and small strokes before that have caused damage in an area of his brain that controls coordination and balance. Now that we know there is a cause and possible therapy to help improve balance we can start on the path to recovering losses.

When Anna started kindergarten last year I was a bit surprised to see that she was struggling to read/recall/spell. I knew something was different about her learning. We decided for her to repeat to give her some time to get ahead. This year we have continued to see some of the same struggles so we pursued dyslexia testing. The testing showed that she indeed does have dyslexia and therefore she has struggled to sound out words, has a poor working memory and needs extra time when writing.
I know that with early intervention she will be just fine and I’m so glad that she will get one-on-one instruction in reading.

Each of these latest bits of “bad” news got me to thinking. Bad news is often good news. The worst news to me is not having an answer. To know something isn’t right and to not know what is coming next. To deal with the unknown.

I’ve thought a lot about this in the past few months as so many have feared the future and what is to come of our country/world. So many people I know are afraid to read the book of Revelation. They say it’s scary or bad news or too hard to understand. It’s actually some of the best news in the whole Bible. Jesus is coming again! All the bad that we experience every day will be made right. Our King will reign on earth as He does in heaven. We have the full detail on what is going to come and having the answers allows us to walk each day confident in His plan and to actually look forward to the future.

About 12 years I sat in church with tears streaming down my face as the words, “You give and take away, you give and take away. My heart will chose to say, Lord blessed be your name” were sung. These words broke me because they were very real to me.  Just the Friday before we had learned that we had miscarried our first child.  We hadn’t gotten pregnant easily and month after month we prayed for God to bless our womb. We were beside ourselves excited when the pregnancy test was positive.  With total naivety we walked in for our first ultrasound.  The doctor looked and looked and with sorrowful eyes explained that things weren’t as they should be and that there would be no baby. We went to church like every Sunday before and when that song was sung and those words were heard and felt and the tears flowed freely, I knew in that moment that to sing those words was indeed a sacrifice of praise.

Fast forward to a few weeks ago.  We had just been overjoyed with Jared’s new job at Chick Fil A and marveled at His goodness to us.  Jared had not worked since 2009 due to medical issues and honestly it seemed he never would return to work considering the physical and mental challenges he faces.  But one day he called and made an appointment for an interview with Mr. Joy, the kind and generous operator of our local Chick Fil A.  Mr. Joy wholeheartedly felt that Jared could be a part of the CFA team! We were overjoyed. Jared started working on Thursday, September the 8th. He was exhausted and yet exhilarated after that first day. He returned on Friday. On Saturday he was quite tired and had some nausea.  On Sunday, a dizzy spell.  On Monday morning after going for a walk, we noticed a major dip in his heart rate.  We spent all day with the cardiology department running various test.  He went back to work on Tuesday and Wednesday and was just exhausted.  On Thursday he had an angiogram and oddly we were hopeful that there was a blockage which would explain this seemingly sudden onset of new symptoms. There was no blockage and no answers. Long story short it was advised that he not return to work for the time being. “You give and take away, you give and take away. My heart will chose to say, Lord blessed be your name.”

I had a few nights of talking with God and confessing that I wasn’t fond of His timing and His plan just didn’t seem right, BUT I know He is good and my heart will chose to say, “Blessed by your name.”

Last Sunday we sat in church once again singing songs of praise that at times were difficult. The words of a praise song from college continued to flood my mind. “We bring a sacrifice of praise into the house of the Lord.” I don’t know that I had spent much time pondering what a sacrifice of praise was but it was clear to me in that moment that declaring the words on the screen as the congregation sang was just that. Clinging to God and declaring His goodness when I don’t feel it and yet trusting every word coming from my mouth. “Oh my God, He will not delay. My refuge and strength always. I will not fear. His promise is true. My God will come through always.”

Monday night we were in the emergency room with Jared having chest pain.  Thankfully it resolved and some adjustments were made to his pacemaker and we were back home. We don’t understand the timing of all that has occurred and we don’t know what the future of Jared’s work at Chick Fil A will be but we do know that when praise demands a sacrifice we will continue to worship God who is worthy of praise.

I’m not one to lounge around.  I haven’t been able to in many years. Not just because life as a mom of three is busy and not just because caring for a sick spouse but because I like to accomplish things.  Not necessarily big things but checking off my daily to-do list. Typically I jump out of bed and run 90 to nothing until noon when the mid-day low hits. But not this summer. For a first time in 11 years no one was bounding into our bedroom before 8 am and many days it was 9 before we slowly climbed out of bed. I shocked myself with my laissez faire routine. Breakfast at 10?  Sure. Pajamas until noon? Why not? Stay out at the pool until after bedtime? Let’s do it.

It wasn’t just sleeping habits that were different.  I typically have “work” for the kids to do in the summer. I’ve previously read books to them and had fun activities to go along. Sometimes we’ve had daily agendas. Not this summer. I took a very hands off route with summer. For me this was such a sweet time. I let myself take a break and it was glorious.

It occurred to me last night that this was a sabbath year (Leviticus 25) for me.  We are in the 7th year since life turned upside down. I’ve worked and organized and accomplished and gone without rest for 6 years and my soul was in need of rest. I’m so glad that God gave me the ability to enjoy it and make the most of this time. I’ve learned that the rest that the Lord gives is far greater than staying in bed all morning or putting aside chores for lounging. His rest is refreshing. Renewing.  I, like many of you, was weary and needed rest for my soul. (Matthew 11:28-29)

I’ve long been a fan of the sabbath (Sunday) nap but I’m even more fond of the sabbath year and for His refreshing.

Thursday started off like any regular day.  Nothing out of the ordinary.  I got the kids to school and Jared went to exercise with a friend.  Unexpectedly I found myself with an hour to myself before I needed to leave for work.  I sat down at the table with my Bible and some yogurt.  I had started reading in Jeremiah the day before and so I picked up where I left off.  I briefly read over Jeremiah 32:27, “I am the LORD, the God of all mankind. Is anything too hard for me?”  I didn’t think much of it honestly.  Just a nice verse.

I checked my emails and saw that the results of Jared’s latest echocardiogram were on mychart and when I read the report I was really surprised.  His ejection fraction (how well the heart is squeezing) was now at 50%.  It had been about 15% over a year ago! He was now within normal range.  Now test results are one thing but real life is another. Jared has been as good as new for the past few months.  No more fatigue or shortness of breath and the test confirmed what we were seeing.

In my joy I started listening to a song by Kari Jobe called Healer.  Honestly I had listened to it a while back and thought to myself that yes God does heal but not everybody and I do believe everything that song says is true but not as simply as the song states.  As the refrain played “Nothing is impossible for you, nothing is impossible for you…” tears streamed down my face.  I was convicted and humbled.  My head believed and yet my heart was guarded.  Jared had perfect confidence in God’s healing and I had “realistic” hope for the future.

I spent the rest of my hour alone thanking God and re-reading the verse in Jeremiah, the test results on mychart and listening to that song.  I was letting it sink in.

Over the course of the past year I have often thought that Jared was being sifted much like Job. After his stroke he lost a lot….his independence, his job, his driver’s license, his car, at times his voice, his memory and on and on but while those loses were hard he still kept his eyes on the Lord.  I did not tell him to curse God at anytime but I most definitely struggled to accept this lot.  When his heart issues appeared it was the first time that I saw him actually struggle and yet he held onto a strong belief in the goodness of God.  The physical loses were the hardest ones. He was down and the struggle to win the emotional battle was the hardest yet. He questioned a bit and yet remained steadfast.

This spring has been a time of restoration for both of us. God has restored Jared physically and me spiritually.  He has given us both more than what we have lost.  He has opened our eyes to see Him in ways we never saw Him before. The physical healing is awesome and beyond expectation but the healing of a skeptical heart is priceless.

**I’d been thinking a lot about Job’s wife in all of this and she often gets a really bad rap for her curse God and die comments but few focus on the fact that she was also restored and blessed in the end.  I came across this article http://www.todayschristianwoman.com/articles/2011/may/mostmisunderstood.htm   which took the words from my mouth and much more eloquently explained how I relate to her.

Twenty fifteen started off like most years.  I was relieved to be starting fresh after what felt like a disappointing Christmas season.  The kids even seemed to be ready to move on.  We were all ready for changes and little did we know what was to come.

What seemed like a cold or respiratory infection landed Jared in the hospital with heart failure instead. His heart was very sick.  Sicker than I understood until much more research. Months of cardiac rehab and adjusting medicines and lots of prayers yielded great results.  His heart was gradually healing and becoming stronger. He was exercising longer with less fatigue. By the end of August I think we almost forgot he had ever been so sick. Healing.

In August as his heart was healing mine was breaking. Relationships felt cold and stale and fatigue set in. I battled it for months.  I prayed for God to heal my broken heart. In October there was a turn for the worse.  It seemed the pain would become permanent. Daily I prayed and daily I battled in my mind.

A week or two ago while preparing for Bible study a question asked what causes strife and what is the solution for it and we were to look up James 4.

Folks, it was as if I was pierced right through the heart. My pride and my selfish desires were the poison that was keeping my heart from healing. The medicine? Submit, resist and come near to God.  He will come near to you. Instant healing from the Word.

A healthy heart is a great gift. A pure heart even greater.

On Sunday our youngest two sang in the children’s choir for Christmas.  While the songs they learned to perform were so sweet and fun to listen to the real joy was when we sang as a congregation with the children singing loudly to This Is Amazing Grace…This is unfailing love….That you would take my place….that you would bear my cross…You laid down your life…that I would be set free….Oh, Jesus I sing for all that you’ve done for me!  My heart was bursting.  Bursting to be singing praises to Immanuel as a family.

That’s the heart of 2015

Last summer was a reading drought for me.  I kept trying to get my hands on a copy of Unbroken or American Sniper (I ended up deciding against reading this because I’m a tad wimpy) and I just couldn’t find something that interested me.  Sometime in the fall I broke down and bought Unbroken and read it in 4 days.  Then I was ravenous for me and ended up reading a 9 book series about Nazi Germany.  To say that I was ready to get out of WWII Germany is an understatement (the series is really good though!) so I was delighted that some lighthearted books had been given great reviews by a friend.  However before I got to the lighthearted reading I dove into a more serious book.

1. Still Alice

This is the first and only book I’ve ever read concerning dementia/Alzheimer’s. I found it to be quite accurate in regard to the disease process. It is heavy and makes you uncomfortable but it also is eye opening and helpful.  It reminded me to take the time to see things from the perspective of the one who is living with the disease.  Oddly it helped me feel more compassionate to my husband who while he doesn’t have Alzheimer’s and his disease process isn’t as progressive it is still very difficult to face at such an early age.  I still haven’t watched the movie and may not but I do recommend the book.

2. The Antelope in the Living Room

If you need a good laugh and who doesn’t you must run out and buy this immediately or you can borrow my copy when I get it back. (It has already made its rounds through several friends).  This book will make you laugh out loud and you should read it out loud to your spouse so they don’t think you’re crazy.  If you were born in the late 60s or early 70s you will especially like her cultural references. Xanadu rocks! Besides enjoying a good laugh I liked how this book wasn’t so much a how to but more of an encouragement.  It helped me laugh at my own silly behaviors and be content about who Jared and I are as a couple and reminded me that there is no need to be like some television or stereotypical couple.  To enjoy who we are and take joy in our relationship.

3. Sparkly Green Earrings

This one is for the mommas out there.  It will make you laugh and cry as she shares her own experiences in parenting. Once again not a how to book but much more like having a conversation with your best friend.  Sharing the good and the bad of the parenting journey and pulling heartstrings along the way.

4. Nobody’s Cuter than YouI’m not going to lie.  This one knocked me back into junior high.  It struck a chord that hadn’t been played in a while.  Friendship. Our first real relationships that mark us for life.  She chronicles friendships from birth to adulthood and man did this make me miss my friends and long to keep those flames a’ glowin’.  Everyone should read it and then immediately run out and have a date with a friend…whether new or old.

5. Unveiling Grace

Now I’m not finished with this book yet but I have really enjoyed it so far.  It’s a personal story about how one family found Jesus and left the Mormon church.  It gives a lot of interesting perspective about how the Mormon church and culture operate. If this subject has ever peaked your interest this is a good read for you.

This is the next book I’m hoping to read so if any of you have it and would let me borrow it let me know!

Happy reading!

The other night my brain took me on a trip down music memory lane. The words to a praise song I had heard in college came to mind and so I looked it up and was reminded that the singer Dennis Jernigan had an interesting testimony. I looked up his story (http://www.dennisjernigan.com/djs-story) and what I found really struck a chord.  It all started with a lie.

For a few weeks now the latest song on repeat on KLOVE has been Danny Gokey’s song More Than You Think I Am. Initially I didn’t think much about the song until I realized it is written as though God is speaking. In the song God is basically saying that what we think we know about Him isn’t all true. So a lie.

Ever misjudged a person?  Felt misjudged?  Thought to yourself that if someone just took the time to get to know you then they’d like you?

I recall many times that I misjudged God.  A little lie formed in my head about who He is and how He saw me.  He couldn’t love me. He couldn’t be trusted. He couldn’t be faithful. He wasn’t good. These lies followed me around for many years even though I was a believer.

Quite honestly I don’t think I had spent much time actually contemplating God’s character. I don’t think I thought it mattered that much.  I knew a lot of church answers about Him and was happy with stopping there.  It wasn’t until about 1998 when at a Bible study the teacher taught about the character of God.  The same teacher later taught that the ten commandments point to the character of God.  As I studied and read the Bible it slowly became clear that I had grossly misjudged God. He wasn’t who I had made Him to be.  He was so much more.  He revealed Himself to me as I searched for Him.

He went from a distant father to a dotting Father.  He went from a fierce accuser to a merciful judge. He went from a rule writer to a creative writer of love letters. When those lies about Him were dissolved I was able to see Him as He truly is and not how I created Him to be.

Have you believed a lie about God? Ask Him to show Himself to you and pound those scriptures in search of Him.  He is not distant and He can be found.  He is more than you dreamed. More than you understand. He has your name tattooed on His hand. He loves you.

Ten years old.  I remember when he was 10 months old.  Even ten days.  It was just like yesterday.  And now he’s gone and turned 10 years old. He came into the world with beautiful, wavy brown hair and gorgeous blue eyes and an insatiable desire to be with his mom and dad.  In ten years none of that has changed.  He has however changed in so many ways and in spite of the times that he has stolen my joy, he has completely stolen my heart forever.

How do I love Joshua Noble?  Let me count the ways….

1.  He has a tender heart and loves the least of these. He genuinely likes to help out younger kids or kids we teach in His Kids.  He recently told me that he wanted to be a special needs teacher.

2. He’s an overcomer.  Not that he’s had major things to overcome and not that he was always willing to work hard however he has conquered some things that were really difficult for him and found so much pride in his accomplishments.

3. He likes basketball.  Personally I don’t care if he likes sports or not but thankfully he chose one that I like also.  Thankfully he didn’t chose golf. (-:

4. He’s good a directions and finding things.  He can’t always find his stuff but he helps keep up with his Dad’s stuff and helps his dad find his way.

5. He has developed a really fun sense of humor.  We’ve moved beyond just potty humor.  We have some actual jokes.  He picks up on sarcasm.

6. He’s practical.  One time he asked what we pay for swim lessons and when I told him he recognized that it was a high cost and was willing to forgo the lessons. (We then discussed worthy investments!). He doesn’t care about clothes and shoes.

7. He loves God’s word.  He enjoys learning scripture and about the various books in the Bible. He’s thrilled to be in the youth group now too.

8. He’s quirky.  I started noticing interesting behavior patterns about 2 years ago and at first worried until I watched and saw him repeating things I used to do.  His quirks make him unique and I giggle watching him now.

9. He’s a great big brother.  Now he’s also typical.  He can choose to annoy and frustrate the other two but he also genuinely cares for them. He always looks more hurt when they get a spanking than they do….particularly his little sister!

10. He still wants his momma.  I’ve loved watching the transition towards his dad as he’s grown older but at the end of the day he still wants his mom to put him to bed.

**We hid his present and sent him on a goose chase to find it. It was a fun way to keep him guessing about whether or not we had bought him his only request.  We did.  It is such a joy to be able to give your child a gift they desire.**

Ever felt like you were watching life from the sidelines?  Watched everyone else going where you want to go? Doing what you want to do?  Getting what you most desire to have? Living the life you thought you’d live?  Ever get a little caught up in self pity?  I have and sometimes still do. I think that’s why I’m so drawn to the story of Hagar in the Bible.  I once read her account and understood it through haughty eyes.  Why should we care what happens to her?  She wasn’t part of the promise.  She could have easily been forgotten but God doesn’t forget her but cares for her not just once but twice.

So Abraham and Sarah were barren.  God promises them a son.  They get impatient. Sarah gives Abraham her maidservant Hagar.  Hagar becomes pregnant.  Sarah gets jealous and rude.  Hagar runs away. BUT God sees Hagar and speaks to her and comforts her and blesses (I don’t know that it’s that great of a blessing but a blessing nonetheless) her and sends her back to Sarah. Beer Lahai Roi – the God who sees.  The Almighty takes the time to stop and listen and care for this slave girl.

Hagar has a son. Time passes.  Sarah finally has a son. The son of Hagar mocks the son of Sarah.  Hagar and Ishmael are sent away.  Nearly die of thirst in the dessert. A well of water in the dessert. Once again God hears and listens and speaks and rescues Hagar. Beer Lahai Roi.

Walking this road with Jared at times has felt quite lonely.  Like we are watching from the sidelines at times.  However about 2 years into the journey God opened my eyes to the “forgotten” people.  Families with kids with disabilities.  The homeless man. The single mom. The single. The barren woman. The widow. The odd couple at church. The loud uncle. The obnoxious neighborhood kid. At the same time the wisdom of my mother (insert eye roll if she is reading) came into my head.  As a teenager I was bemoaning some unfair life situation and she pointed me in the direction of someone who may need me and me focusing on them rather than myself. (eye roll again just because). It took time to see past my judgmental ideas and have a true heart of compassion for the homeless.  It took time to see and feel and care about the loneliness that the mom with a special needs child feels.  It was/is difficult to love the neighbor boy who sometimes harasses my kid and still love on him in spite of himself. God was opening my eyes to see each one He has created and cares for and reaches out to and rescues. I’m thankful that my eyes are off of me.  I’m glad that God sees me and knows me and reaches out and rescues me. I’m honored that He commissions me to see others and share the life giving water he offers freely. (John 4:14)

Who will you see this week?  Who is your Hagar?

My momma’s better than your momma.  Want to know why?  Well, she’s mine of course.  Oh and my sister’s too. I’m not usually a sappy person.  Matter of fact some have called me “cold”.  I’m not good at expressing my feelings with words…face to face. I’m not a huger.  I’m more comfortable with a punch to the arm. I’ve not been able to say a lot of flowery stuff to my mom over the years and not because I don’t have a lot of nice stuff to say but because I’m pretty sure my heart would burst.  And leave a mess all over the place. And then she’d have to clean it up and well it’s almost mom’s day so I’m just going to write down some stuff on this here blog.

Things I want to say about my mom and to my mom as they come to my mind. Consider yourself warned.

1. I may have tried to deny her a few times but my cheek bones and nose and hair say I belong to her.

2. She’s my biggest fan. She laughs at all my jokes. She even sometimes tries to get me to entertain her friends.  I don’t comply.

3. She taught me a lot about beauty.  The inward kind. She endured my junior high make up stage.  And my sister’s too.  I’m pretty sure Sabra’s was scarier!

4. She’s a life long learner.  I won’t say that she was a senior citizen when she graduated from college but well, she was.  I’m so proud of her for getting her diploma.  Not because that paper really was necessary but she showed me that you’re never too old to learn new things.

5. She’s generous. This may seem like a weird observation but I’ve always loved watching my mom tip the waiter/waitress.  She’s not a 15% exactly tipper.  She rounds up and often throws in a dollar or two more. It’s taught me to be generous and kind to those who are serving me.  She’s generous with her time too. She could spend her retirement years thinking only about herself but she volunteers and takes the time to pour into other people.

6. She’s made mistakes. She taught me that no one is perfect.  She taught me that we learn from our mistakes. We pick ourselves off and march on.

7. She’s endured her share of hardship. Over the years I’ve seen her allow God to heal those hurt places and struggle through the pain. She’s a strong woman because she’s learned to lean on the Father and not herself.

8. She’s crazy competitive and a lover of games. She still can’t beat me at Trivia Crack though and it makes me laugh like a hyena every time I win because I know she would do the same thing. Joshua has picked up on the love of games and I blame her.

9. She modeled being a caregiver. She took care of my grandfather in his last years and also my step-dad. Her example has helped me as I’ve entered the same role.

10. She’s an awesome grandmother. Although she taught one of my kids to say “crap” and “jerk” and also let him stick his fingers in the butter dish but besides that they think she’s the bees knees so she must be doing something right.

11. She prayed I’d have kids with my quirks.  It was a rude thing to do but she got what she asked for. And she giggles (almost under her breath) when she sees me deal with my mini-me.

12. She is a lover of God’s word. I love that she has a husband with whom she can study God’s word. It’s fun to hear them share what they are learning together.

13. She encourages me to pursue my passions.  Right now my passion is to nap. She is very supportive.

14. She has pushed me to become someone I never thought I could be…assertive.  If it weren’t for her I would be eating meals I didn’t order, getting cheated at the cash register and timidly facing every hurdle life throws at me.

15. She likes music.  Lots of different stuff.  That’s probably why my Pandora stations are so diverse.  Carole King. Classic country. Rod Stewart. Kari Jobe. Toby Mac

16. She’s a planner.  She’ll be 70 next summer and has already hinted around about her “surprise” party.

17. She hasn’t aged in 40 years.  Well maybe she has but she looks great especially with her natural colored hair.

18. She likes the beach.  Me, not so much. I go because she makes me.  Oh and I like to be around her even if it’s at the beach.

19. She likes to dance. My most favorite childhood memories involved dancing in the living room with my mom and sister.

20. She doesn’t know my birth date but she does always call to sing a very immature version of the birthday song around November 6.

Happy mother’s day Mom.  I love you. I’m thankful that God gave you to me or me to you.